pride & joy

On Sunday I ended my hiatus from the pool. It had been a year since I two-point entered from the deck and propelled myself from the wall. A year since the smell of chlorine stuck to my skin long after my shower. A year since I had black eyes not from punches but from goggles. And for the past three days I’ve been back every day. The tan circle on my back has returned and I’m anxiously awaiting the cap tanline. I even bought a bright pink cap like the one coach Tyler bought me for my first meet. And when I leaped into the water today, I was home. And when I came home from the pool and fell asleep on the couch, I knew I was doing it right. Nothing compares to the feeling after a swim. Nothing makes me feel more alive or happy or happy with myself. Maybe the chlorine is getting to my head, but the pool is my happy place.

When I was leaving the pool today I watched as one of our new tour guides gave his first solo tour. And I got butterflies in my stomach and my heart was overflowing and I wanted to yell so many things at him but instead I just made some sassy comment and went on my way. But I was so taken aback by this feeling of pride that I imagine is what it feels like to see your baby take its first steps. WHAT. MATERNAL INSTINCT IS GOING CRAZY. But really, you guys, I walked home the rest of the way beaming because I was so damn proud. And I am so excited to share this thing I love so much with our new members.

Side note, what a difference good food makes in your day.

I left for WOW training tonight with flowers braided into my hair. I felt like sunshine. I felt like I was going to go sit on the floor for three hours but it was going to be worth it. And tonight I was reminded of why WOW is so near and dear to my heart. And why I’m going back for more.

I read part of Andy Warhol’s “The Philosophy of Andy Warhol: From A to B and back again” for class tonight and I don’t know why but it made me really happy. He writes in such a matter of fact way and he sounds so young and pure of heart. “The world fascinates me,” he said, and it’s refreshing that someone else was as enamored by the world as I often feel I am.

We doodled in class today. I wish I could call it art.

I am more than ready for this spring to sneak up on me and steal all my weekends. I’m going to love every second of it.

“I think everybody should like everybody.” -Andy Warhol

Love.

In these moments, I swear I am infinite.

The feeling after a swim. The smell of chlorine. Blowing out candles. Breaking down walls. Telling secrets. Keeping secrets. Falling in like. Fitting playlists. Pure blue sky. New dresses. Walking arm in arm. Smiling at strangers. Eating family style. Waking up because you want to, not because you have to. Homemade cupcakes and the people who make them. Flowers that make your room smell like heaven. Cheek kisses. Forehead kisses. Being warm. When someone puts their arm around you when you’re cold. The first sunburn of the year. Elephants in the room. Summery color schemes. Brothers. When people laugh at my jokes. Goggle marks. TOMS tans. Rolling fog. Rolling tides. Walking and talking. Hand written cards. New friends. Old friends. When “I love you,” means “I’ll always love you.” When you walk into a room. 

Starting spring break off right

The moment at dinner when conversation stops, and everyone either internally or externally smiles, because we all realize that we’re surrounded by people who love us.

Tonight I got dinner with six of my favorite people on the planet.
Tomorrow night I’ll be reunited with my brothers and sister and mom and dad.

This is a good place to be.

An open letter to San Luis Obispo

You rained last night but I didn’t mind. When I woke up my friends asked me if we should still hike your tallest peak and I said of course, and when we reached the top we all laughed at the idea of abandoning our plan for the day. We were taller than the clouds. The sky was grey but there’s no such thing as an ugly sky when you live in such a breathtaking town. Even grey looks good as the fog dances with the peaks of your mountains. It makes the greens a little greener. The rocks a little more slippery, but that’s okay too.

You have an uncanny ability to feed my sense of adventure. I could be scared but I know you’ll take care of me. You’ve brought me to some of the most inspiring people I’ve ever met. To the ones who keep me safe and the ones who crack me up. I owe you one, SLO.

The sun always seems to shine a little brighter with you. And my summer shadows feel longer and my heart skips a beat — sometimes two — once I cross your county line on the 101. Because I know, there’s only 32 more miles until I exit and we’re reunited. You’re my best friend. Or at least, you’ve brought me to some of the best friends I could ever ask for. Thanks for that.

And thanks for making sure Avila’s always sunny on my birthday. Birthdays by the ocean were too good to be true until I met you. I hope I’m not jinxing it by telling you this 20 days before my birthday. Consider this my sun dance.

Oprah didn’t need to tell me you were the happiest city in America. I knew when I was in fourth grade and I wrote a poem about my favorite place. I told Nana all about it. Most days I wish I could still tell Nana. Write more silly limericks about it. But I don’t need to write a limerick. I see it through the window when I wake up in the morning. I feel it when I finish a tour and people applaud. Or when I run into someone and they hug me like they haven’t seen me in ten years. Or when I go to a class I love. Or when I come home after a long day and my apartment smells like freshly baked banana bread.

Or when I’m at the top of a mountain with new friends and we YELL AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS. Because we can. Because we’re at the top of a mountain and we have the lung capacity to do so and we hiked to the top of this mountain and we’re together. Glued by our love of YOU, San Luis Obispo. Glued by the fact that you put a smile on our faces.

I wanted to write you a letter because most of the time I’m pretty good with words. But I guess I didn’t really need 500 words to tell you how I feel. But I wanted you to know, San Luis Obispo, that I love you. It’s more than a crush. It’s more than a “I want us to be better friends.” I love you. And I owe you one. I can’t thank you enough.

Thanks for the rain and the sun and the mountains and the ocean and the family and the thousands of reasons to wake up every morning. You’re the best.

When you’re crying cause you’re so damn happy.

“It’s Kind of A Funny Story” is one of my favorite books. And they did an ok job of making it into a movie. I caught the last scene today while channel surfing. I forgot how perfect it is.
Watch it. You’ll understand.

It’s what I’ve been trying to say all along in the almost year I’ve kept this blog in just a minute. It’s perfect.

I’m here right now because I just needed to get out all of this joy. For the first time all quarter I have more highs than lows. I feel like I’m really myself. I feel like I’ve found a way to fill the voids this quarter left. And I feel infinite.

I’ve always cherished meeting new people and making new connections. But I got into a funk this quarter where I didn’t want that. But thirteen new friends were thrown at me last weekend. And I’m so, so happy that they were. I am so rejuvenated. I am so…myself? So cheesey.

From nights (mornings?) in the library to dinners to life chats on my couch to spontaneous adventures all over the place, I am back in the game. See ya later, winter quarter slump. I’ve got to re-claim my spot as tourmaster (challenge accepted, Tommy), spend more time at the ocean, call my brother, call my dad, call my sisters, call my mom (3 times a day? sometimes). Wake up early in the morning to skype my best friend. Jump in the car and surprise my roommate at work. Write more. Love more. Reach out and get a cup of coffee with someone new, and reconnect with someone old. See the sunrise. Take my camera on adventures.

I’ve never been big on religion and you all know that, but I came across a perfect bible verse last night.

From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

That’s kind of how I like to live. My heart overflows so much with joy and I hope that in some capacity I spread that joy where I go. I hope that joy is what falls out of my mouth.

And I guess I lost sight of that and looked for other people to bring me joy and forgot that I can bring MYSELF joy. It just took a couple nights with some amazing human beings to remind me of that.

It gets better.

Whatever it is. It does.

I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately

But GOSH I can’t even find the right words to properly articulate how blessed I’m feeling these days. It was a rough few weeks, and I’m stressed out of my mind, but as I sit here in the library I’m across the table form Aaron, my Poly Reps mentee. I have a mentee! And I’m surrounded by love.

I wanted to write to you all last weekend when I three of my favorite people in the same place for a whole weekend. I hit this point where I was sitting in the car with all of them and it occurred to me that I really didn’t need anything else. I was so perfectly content. And two of my worlds had collided and meshed together. And it was perfect. And I went to bed happy and the anxiety I had felt all week had dissipated and I knew that no matter what happened, it didn’t matter because I was safely nestled between my friends. And nothing bad can happen there.

And then last night as we screamed and yelled in Mission Plaza to welcome our new Poly Reps I was so re-energized. I was suddenly reminded of why this organization is my family. All night it was all I could do not to just throw my arms around everyone and tell them i loved them. Because good gracious I do.

My soul sister put it so perfectly, “Sometimes when you see how much people love you, you cry because it’s just so sweet. Not because you’re sad anymore.” Dre is right. I wanted to cry last night because we were so unbelievably surrounded by love. Love in its purest, most genuine form. Like kindergarten love. The best kind of love. Real love.

Someone asked me the other day if The Happiness Project was still happening and it broke my heart a little because I know I’ve been terrible about posting lately. I’m still me, still full of joy and outpourings of love and an unquenchable thirst for smiles. I haven’t gone anywhere. I’ve just been trying to maintain the joy in my life. Once I feel confident in that again, I’ll bring it to you.

I love. So, so much.

The littlest things

When a friend emails you notes from class because you overslept, and you didn’t even ask for them.

When you pay it forward in the line at Starbucks.

When you run into someone on campus and they’re happy to see you.

When you’re on the couch sandwiched between two of the most important people in your life and it dawns on you that there is nowhere else in the world you’d rather be.

Getting mail from your sister. Especially when it looks like this:

When people laugh at your jokes.

When you crawl into bed at night and you burrow into your covers and you feel cozy and safe.

When you laugh – really laugh – at something your friend said.

When you have productive discussions in class.

When someone asks “How are you?” and you confidently answer with “so good!”

When you’re about to fall asleep during a movie and someone’s shoulder is there to catch your sleepy head.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.
But cherish it (:
Hey life, thanks. You’re pretty cool.

Looking for love

When I finish my tours, I always close with this heartfelt little spiel about why I love Cal Poly. It goes a little something like this

 

“When I came to Cal Poly I wasn’t totally sold. But when I was wandering around with my mom and my new friends I had this moment where everything clicked. Everything felt right. And I knew in that moment there was no place I’d rather be. No place I’d rather spend my four years. And every day I wake up in the morning grateful for the decision I made. I love the classes I’m taking, I love my professors, I love the way I spend my time and the people I spend my time with. And I feel so unbelieveably lucky that this is where I live, and these are the people I’m surrounded by. . .and everyone deserves to love college as much as I do. Everyone should be as happy with their college decision as I am.”

 

And usually every tour it gets a little bit more true. But on Thursday, my spiel was interrupted by one of those people I’m so grateful for. And so I asked him what his favorite thing about Cal Poly was, and with a big grin on his face and a confident tone in his voice he said “YOU.” and continued walking home. And my whole tour group, which was a bunch of completely inspiring high school sophomores, awwww’d at how sweet my goofy friend was.

And in that moment I could see love. I could see my life not being held up by Atlas but being hugged by him. This was the best week I could have asked for, especially after such a tough weekend.

I told a friend of mine that this week was one where I could feel some radiant force in life. One that pulled me out of bed and into class and into the arms of people who loved me. I saw love as it reached out of my roommates’ and friends’ arms and pulled me into a hug.

And so we started rattling off all the other times in life when you can see joy and love and all these good things that make life beautiful.

Like when someone takes you in their arms and everything that ever made you sad suddenly disappears. Or when someone gets your 30 Rock references. Or Pandora plays the soundtrack to your life. Or when you realize just how much people around you care. Or when words effortlessly flow from brain to hand to pen to paper. Or when after a long day you come home to cookies being pulled out of oven. Or when your mom cracks you up on the phone. Or you find a passage in a book that sends you over the edge. Or people get things they deserve in life.

You don’t have to go far to look for love. If you can’t find it, you’re probably not looking in the right place.

I need to take a moment to say thank you

My dearest Daisy died this weekend…the only dog I ever had and I’m pretty sure the only one to ever pee on me. I knew something like this would be hard, but I don’t think I really knew the gravity of it. And I don’t think I knew how hard it would be not to get to say goodbye.

Daisy was the family dog but more than anything else she was Sawyer’s dog. She watched baseball with him, ate his sandwiches, slept with him on the couch…I told James the other day that Sawyer had three best friends – Henry, me, and the dog. And I think the worst part of not being home is that I can’t throw my arms around my baby brother right now. Because I would really like to do that.

But during this dark weekend I think I realized how blessed I am to have such a beautiful support system here. I knew who to call. I knew who to turn to. I knew who would throw their arms around me and kiss my forehead or watch Ryan Gosling movies with me or understand what was going on when I called sobbing and no words came out or take my brother out to frozen yogurt because I couldn’t. I knew that I was going to be taken care of.

And I hate that it took me something tragic for me to really see, but I realize how good I have it here. And how lucky I am that my friends don’t think I’m crazy when I sob into the phone during the superbowl or cry in the library or need to be held for a little while. And from literally all over the world, my friends listen to my word vomit and read my long, disjointed rants and they make me feel loved.

Just like Daisy did when I’d come home and she’d lick my shoes and pee on the floor. I remember in high school when I got dumped, I sat in a puddle of angsty tears and Ben and Jerry’s and Daisy leaped onto the couch – graceful as ever – and licked the tears off my face. She knew. She was smart. And she wouldn’t leave your side until she knew you were okay. That’s just the kind of gal she was.

Daisy was the best dog anyone could have ever asked for. She was the best kind of friend anyone could ever ask for. And I’m glad I got to spend eight years with her. I’ve never believed in heaven, but I’d like to think that Daisy’s in the midst of one of those really good dreams – you know the kind that right before you get to the best part you wake up? Yeah. I hope she’s in one of those, but I hope she gets to the best part.

Love ya, Dais. Rest easy. Don’t eat too many bees. Thanks for being a kickass friend.

And thank all of you for being kickass friends. And for holding me up when I’m falling apart. I’m so, so lucky.

Celebrate.

I was lying on my yoga mat in corpse pose today as our instructor asked us to pick an intention for our practice.

“I am love.”

“I am joy.”

“I am happiness.”

“I am spirit.”

And it was in that moment as I thought only about my intention, pushing anything negative out of my head with each exhale, that I realized we are all of those things. Because we create them for ourselves.

“Don’t pursue happiness — create it.”

And with each vinyasa I thought about how my intention in life has always been to spread joy. And how that was why this blog existed. And how spreading joy makes me feel joyful. But lately I’d stopped passing on love because I haven’t felt love. Silly me, forgetting that the cycle starts with me, not with everyone else.

So give it a shot. Think about it.

I’m not asking you to go to yoga tonight to figure out the intention of your practice, but I’m asking you to sit down, put on some soothing music and think about your intention for life. Because I think it’s so easy to lose sight of it.

So since I’m feeling someone reflective tonight I’d like to recall a post from last summer. In July I told you I hated the word funeral (read here) and today I’m going to tell you that’s still true. But I think there’s something I failed to address – I don’t like death. Moreover, I don’t like that we don’t really think about someone’s life until after they’re gone.

Take a second and think about everyone you love. And ask yourself what they’ve done with life. What was your grandfather like when he was a kid? Did you ever think to ask? Is it too late now? Have you told your best friend you’re proud of her lately? Have you celebrated – I mean really celebrated – life lately?

Have you run through the rain with no shoes on, letting the water coat your skin? Have you danced it out? Have you said thank you to Liz Lemon or whatever higher power you believe in for giving you the strength to live and love today?

David Foster Wallace said that the capital T-Truth, the most important thing in life, was life before death. And I couldn’t agree with him more on a night like tonight. As local Patch sides explode with reports of teenage deaths and investigations reveal heartbreaking truths I can’t help but want to honor those people while I’m still here on earth. A friend of mine goes skydiving on the anniversary of his best friend’s death every year. I wear my nana’s ring every day.

Whether you’re honoring someone you’ve loved and lost or just trying to say thank you to life, I hope you find a way to celebrate. Live it up while you’re here and don’t sweat the rest. Find your joy. Find the thing that makes you feel infinite — always. Because life is too short not to feel on top of the world.

So celebrate now. Throw someone a party because you love them. If you love them, tell them. If someone inspires you, tell them. Give every person in your life another raison d’etre.

And remember.

You are love.

You are joy.

You are happiness.

You are spirit.

You are infinite.

I love. More and more every day.