I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately

But GOSH I can’t even find the right words to properly articulate how blessed I’m feeling these days. It was a rough few weeks, and I’m stressed out of my mind, but as I sit here in the library I’m across the table form Aaron, my Poly Reps mentee. I have a mentee! And I’m surrounded by love.

I wanted to write to you all last weekend when I three of my favorite people in the same place for a whole weekend. I hit this point where I was sitting in the car with all of them and it occurred to me that I really didn’t need anything else. I was so perfectly content. And two of my worlds had collided and meshed together. And it was perfect. And I went to bed happy and the anxiety I had felt all week had dissipated and I knew that no matter what happened, it didn’t matter because I was safely nestled between my friends. And nothing bad can happen there.

And then last night as we screamed and yelled in Mission Plaza to welcome our new Poly Reps I was so re-energized. I was suddenly reminded of why this organization is my family. All night it was all I could do not to just throw my arms around everyone and tell them i loved them. Because good gracious I do.

My soul sister put it so perfectly, “Sometimes when you see how much people love you, you cry because it’s just so sweet. Not because you’re sad anymore.” Dre is right. I wanted to cry last night because we were so unbelievably surrounded by love. Love in its purest, most genuine form. Like kindergarten love. The best kind of love. Real love.

Someone asked me the other day if The Happiness Project was still happening and it broke my heart a little because I know I’ve been terrible about posting lately. I’m still me, still full of joy and outpourings of love and an unquenchable thirst for smiles. I haven’t gone anywhere. I’ve just been trying to maintain the joy in my life. Once I feel confident in that again, I’ll bring it to you.

I love. So, so much.

Looking for love

When I finish my tours, I always close with this heartfelt little spiel about why I love Cal Poly. It goes a little something like this

 

“When I came to Cal Poly I wasn’t totally sold. But when I was wandering around with my mom and my new friends I had this moment where everything clicked. Everything felt right. And I knew in that moment there was no place I’d rather be. No place I’d rather spend my four years. And every day I wake up in the morning grateful for the decision I made. I love the classes I’m taking, I love my professors, I love the way I spend my time and the people I spend my time with. And I feel so unbelieveably lucky that this is where I live, and these are the people I’m surrounded by. . .and everyone deserves to love college as much as I do. Everyone should be as happy with their college decision as I am.”

 

And usually every tour it gets a little bit more true. But on Thursday, my spiel was interrupted by one of those people I’m so grateful for. And so I asked him what his favorite thing about Cal Poly was, and with a big grin on his face and a confident tone in his voice he said “YOU.” and continued walking home. And my whole tour group, which was a bunch of completely inspiring high school sophomores, awwww’d at how sweet my goofy friend was.

And in that moment I could see love. I could see my life not being held up by Atlas but being hugged by him. This was the best week I could have asked for, especially after such a tough weekend.

I told a friend of mine that this week was one where I could feel some radiant force in life. One that pulled me out of bed and into class and into the arms of people who loved me. I saw love as it reached out of my roommates’ and friends’ arms and pulled me into a hug.

And so we started rattling off all the other times in life when you can see joy and love and all these good things that make life beautiful.

Like when someone takes you in their arms and everything that ever made you sad suddenly disappears. Or when someone gets your 30 Rock references. Or Pandora plays the soundtrack to your life. Or when you realize just how much people around you care. Or when words effortlessly flow from brain to hand to pen to paper. Or when after a long day you come home to cookies being pulled out of oven. Or when your mom cracks you up on the phone. Or you find a passage in a book that sends you over the edge. Or people get things they deserve in life.

You don’t have to go far to look for love. If you can’t find it, you’re probably not looking in the right place.

Today.

“You don’t have many bad days,” he said and he wanted to know why. What was it like, feeling infinite?

Like when Pandora makes the perfect soundtrack for your walk home.
When you remember that funny thing your best friend did years ago and it still makes you laugh.
and when five minutes later you realize you’re the only one laughing.
Like clean sheets and tea that’s just right and feeling safer in someone’s embrace than you would feel next to a police station.
Like a time when life was a little less heavy and a little more silly.
Like when you finished your favorite book for the first time and you sighed, and knew that this one, this book right here, will be your favorite even after you read the next book in your list.
Like going back to that book and having it still be your favorite.
Like running into an old friend and watching as his face lights up, and knowing that yours is doing the same thing.
Like the moment that you realize that someone values you.
The moment you realize
you’ve been infinite this entire time.

love in this club.

We spent the weekend together. Tears shed and arms around each other, our hearts on our sleeves. You thought we were close before? You thought this club was a family before? Look again. Today I redefined family and we redefined Poly Reps and tomorrow I’ll run into you in the hallways and my love for our organization will be amplified a thousand fold. Because at this point, I know too much about you all not to love you.

We took a retreat this weekend, to a farm on a hill with a rope swing and just enough beds that I got to share one with Kalli. I can’t quite put my finger on what made the weekend so magical but I can assure you that it was. Maybe it’s one of those “you had to be there” kind of things. Maybe it’s one of those “you wish you were a poly rep” kind of things. All I know is that I like it. All I know is that my heart is happy and that I feel so unbelieveably blessed to be spending my time at Cal Poly with people like P. Reps.

I can’t wait to start recruiting new members. I can’t wait to share this beautiful thing that I have with the world. I want you to be a Poly Rep, so badly. I want you to fall in love with this organization the way I have.

I want to hug life. As usual. But even more so than usual today.
That’s really all I have to say.
Life’s lovely, isn’t it?

is it possible to be in love with a place?

This morning I got to work after driving and singing love songs at the top of my lungs. I normally only do this if I have a crush on a cute boy or some crap like that. But that isn’t really the case at the moment. So I’m trying to pinpoint the reason why I feel so enamored right now and as I’m getting ready to be bombarded by campers I realize it.

I spent all morning thinking about slo. Going back, moving in, living with amazing people and giving tours and falling back into the routine I grew so fond of.

And I got jittery. Butterflies in stomach and everything.

That and I feel like I’m letting more things go that I needed to, and reaching out to new things. Old things…but if you’re revisiting old habits/loves/hobbies does that make them new again? I’m going to say yes, because I feel rejuvenated and different and therefore my experiences with these new things I’m being really vague about are new and different.

Gosh. I’m weird.

I just am in the weird place right now because I’m still really wrapped up in santa rosa and loving it here, but my excitement for September is overwhelming, too.

Instead of writing more, I’m going to post some cool videos because I’m clearly struggling with words right now.

it’s fairly obvious I’ve got love on my mind.
But you already know how I feel about that. So I’m going to go back to reading Harry Potter and thinking nice thoughts about nice people.
I hope you’ll do the same.

also, I have a huge crush on the guy in this video.